Recap Roundup: Top Chef All Stars Episode 5

Speakeasy on the Quickfire: "The week’s quick fire is about speed, Padma says in a little intro as the chefs wait to see who they’re competing against. In comes Tom, who proceeds to make a dish as fast as he can, and set a time for them to beat. People’s mouths fall open as Tom slices, dices, and sears and yet remains super-organized. He’s searing a fish within six minutes, taking it off the flame by seven and a half minutes, and has plated a sea bass with tomato, clams and zucchini just sixty seconds later. The time to beat: 8:37."

Monkeys as Critics on rules are rules: "Even though the chefs are specifically instructed not to make a raw dish, Angelo does a crudo because he thinks it’s going to be so good, the judges will toss out the rules just for him. Angelo, Angelo, Angelo. This is not how this show works, but nice try."

Creative Loafing on the Quickfire winner: " Ultimately, Jersey Mike’s dish sucked least of all, winning him a Toyota Prius (which he will promptly sell) and immunity. If he ends up making it to the finale, let alone wins, it is further proof that Armageddon is upon us."

Cliffieland on gloating: "Mike Isabella is getting another tattoo. '8:37' The time it took him to win a car. Though I imagine he'll tell people that's the size of his 'dangle.'"

David Dust on fat heads: "did you ever notice when they interview Mike on camera his head takes up your ENTIRE television screen? Look for it next time. Actually, you won't be able to miss it - trust me."

My Monkey Could Do That on undergarment chatter: "Meanwhile the drunk people are talking about bras, with Tiffani saying “I’m a 36 DD, if I didn’t wear bras, you’d have gotten hurt in the Quickfire today.” Hee. Antonia starts screaming about getting jalapeno in her eye, and goes to wash it out. Tiffani hands her a bra to wipe her eye with, and the guys pretty much run out of the room."

Eater on Dale's odd photo album: "Dale has no time for funny business and hanging out. He heads upstairs because he's not there to make friends but to look at pictures of his girlfriend. I am totally on board with that, but it's kind of really intense to keep the pictures of your lady friend in your KNIFE CASE? I know you are a chef, but knife cases are already a little creepy, and pictures of your girlfriend in there look like the sort of thing that later ends up as evidence."

Carol Blymire on shopping: "The next day, they shop at an Asian supermarket. Fabio sees live turtles in a tank, and we cut to footage of him walking his pet turtle on a leash at home in California. Fabio just lost 649,000 cool and sexy points. Casey buys a ton of chicken feet -- which is a ballsy move in my book. Tre buys something, but I'm not paying attention to what that is because I'd really just like him to take off his shirt. Uh, I mean, tell me about his dish."

Minxeats on taking one for the team: "Meanwhile, Antonia is working on her own dish of shrimp toast, plus assisting Jamie in a dish of long beans with Chinese sausage. Why she chooses to stretch herself in this way is a bit baffling, considering that Tre is making a single lame-ass dessert and doesn't seem to be doing anything else to help the rest of the team."

Jordan Baker on the scene in the dining room: "Mayhem breaks loose in the dining room because not enough food is coming around. People start grabbing food off the carts. Gail worries about revolt. Antonia thinks she doesn’t have time to finish Casey’s dish. The diners complain in subtitles about being fed 'Caucasian Dim Sum.'"

Gail Simmons for PopWatch on nicknames: "Tiffany’s char siu bao was also delicious and quite classic in its flavor. I’ve been eating char siu bao all my life. In fact, growing up, my nickname was Char Siu Bao. It was one of my mother’s favorite foods when she was a kid, and it became a term of endearment. She calls me Char Siu all the time. I was destined for this job, I guess!"

EW on Angelo's childhood: "Let's discuss Angelo's memory of picking grains of rice with his father. What started out as some sort of emotional reverie turned into a weird confession about their strange father-son relationship. "My job was to sort through every single granule of rice and pick out all the bad ones," he said. "And I'll tell you, if there was a black one in there, my ass was grass." It didn't help that his dad was proud of him only after he went on TV. Angelo has layers like an onion, I tells ya."

AfterEllen on the scolding: "Tom has had enough. He calls the food “slow sum” and goes down to check/raise holy hell. Man, this is the cooking equivalent of dad stopping the car and coming back into the backseat as he promised. Tom scolds them appropriately, possibly not hard enough."

Fork in the Road on next week's episode: "[N]ext week's episode involves Montauk and deep-sea fishing, so there's a chance that Jamie will be eaten by a giant squid, or better yet, finally be sent home for her myriad crimes against seafood and the viewing public."